i've been sick, which has allowed me to do some thinking. (i already wrote this once, but i accidently clicked back on my mouse and lost it all. so im writing it again). it has taken me four days in bed to figure out where this all went wrong, and i realized the only thing that went wrong was me. i highly overreacted about the whole situation. i was willing to accept i was too busy to fix it at the time so i'd just cut it off at ait's worst and then fix it and make nice later, which is i guess kind of what i'm doing now, but this time it's different for some reason. i really do mean it. i'm sorry. i understand that it takes so much more to even begin to retract what i said to you. the worst part is i don't reemmber everything i said to you. which makes me feel horrible about it all. i was upset that i was being misunderstood by those who at the time i needed to understand me the most. i went off on you for something you would have had no idea about, because id din't tell you i cut again, because like so many times before we didn't really talk. in fact you were the only person in the end i did tell. you had no way of knowing that. but i was upset because i felt mad that you were trying to tell me something i didn't want to hear, and that i didn't possibley think you could understand cause we never talked. i was wrong, i should have known that if i did talk to you, you would have understood. i was also soo upset that you thought you did nothing wrong, and maybe did wrong was wrong itself (make sense?) i guess i didn't understand what the whole thing was about. hell i still don't get how it actually started. but when things were made light, i refused to keep them that way. i blew it up and made it worse. im assuming you were most likely kidding about a bunch of it. but i was just so ahhhhhhhhh that i didn' tsee it. i guess what hurts me the most is knowing when you say you can do without talking to me ever agian, you mean it. i can't do without talking to you ever agian. i just can't. you're seriously my best firend and we've been through so much shit together. you know more than i know myself. when my mom told me to focus the other day, i just wanted to cry. cause that's ours too. there's so much that's ours. the fucking o.c. that's ours as well. i just can't let this go, because i'm a dipshit by birth. im emo yes, but you and dall should know that, i guess i just felt offended that you two were poking fun at me being emo(which i didn't see sometimes), but i don't know why, i think it was cause3 i was being bombarded with crap, that i didn't get it. that's my fault as well, i shouldn't be soo serious. i got mad when you guys din't say hi, but i know you guys did. i just never said hi to you. and that was wrong of me to think you two didn't care enough to say hi, when it was as if i thought you didn't care enough to be bigger and say hi to you. i was just being stupid and i don't want this stupid rachel being stupid thing to be the reason we're no longer friends. i couldn't live with that. summertime is our time, i can't imagine a summer without you. you seriously are my best friend you mean the world to me. and that i just won't do without.<333 please please please please please accept my deepest sincerist apologies and ill continue trying to make it up to you.